For Christmas, I received new dashboard speakers for my Jeep. At some point in the last few years, I blew them out and they've been crackling ever since. Before Cameron, I'd just adjust the music to play in my rear speakers and things were fine. Once I knew his little ears would be subject to my musical whims from his carseat, this had to change. My very handy father-in-law came over one day to install the new speakers and discovered it wasn't the dashboard speakers, but the door speakers, that were blown. This meant the door speakers would have to be sent off for repairs and somehow, in this quick fix, I have no sound at all in my car until the door speakers come back.
I come from a long line of people who like to sing along with whatever they hear but have an awful voice and never know all the words. When I lived in Chicago and was traveling back and forth to St. Louis, I remember listening to my disc-man (hahaha) on the long L ride to O'Hare. Once the Blue Line left downtown and the train car emptied considerably, I'd sing along out loud - Nelly, U2, Coldplay and Michelle Branch. When I moved back to St. Louis and commuted from Shrewsbury to Chesterfield, I'd ease my rush hour frustrations by rolling down the windows and singing at the top of my lungs- probably ranging from Liz Phair's Extraordinary to Dashboard Confessional's Vindicated to Jason Mraz's You and I Both. These days, it's really whichever iPod playlist catches my mood (rainy days, bright & shiny, weekend mornings, springtastic, etc).
For the last few years, I've had a seven minute drive to and from work and at times, have actually missed a longer drive. My off key singing is sandwiched between listening to NPR and if he's with me, talking to Cameron as he faced the backseat. I realize that time in the car was my time to just be. Without music to sing along to, there's silence. A strange, heavy silence. Even though I've been without music for about a week, every day, I get in to my car and turn on my radio, only to be greeted with silence. In silence, I start to think about my day and everything in it, what needs to get done and how to make it all work - the emails to be returned and the ongoing tasklist, when Cam gets picked up, what heart healthy thing to make for dinner, should I have some fat free ice cream tonight, how many times have I worked out this week, will Brian and I have some time to kick back tonight and on and on. At first, it was a bit overwhelming and then today I realized something else - it's sooooo normal. Last year was so full of the unexpected..... and now, things feel normal.... redundant.... maybe even boring. I have never been so excited to feel so boring!
I should admit in writing this post, I'm totally avoiding writing another. One particular question has been on my mind lately - "Should surviving a heart attack make you a better person?" Honestly, my short answer is no. But stay tuned because I actually have alot to say about this, if I can figure out how to put it on paper!
"Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest." - Henry David Thoreau
A quick Cam update - he had his 9 month dr. appt today. Believe it or not, I have a long and lean baby. He's in the 75th percentile for height and below the 50th percentile for weight. He has recently taken an interest in what mommy's eating and has sampled all kinds of things from my dinner plate - whole wheat bread, quinoa, zucchini, cous cous, blueberries, and sweet potatoes. To my delight, he hasn't rejected any of these healthy fares!