Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Five Years Gone (The End is Here)

"There will come a time where you believe everything is finished.  That will be the beginning."

That quote closed out my first blog post shared in May 2011. Because it really felt like the end. Which seems so incredibly silly now, but at that point I'd had a baby, a massive heart attack and by all accounts, a miraculous survival.

I was still in a drugged-up foggy haze of chest pain, anxiety, and fear. I was scouring the internet to find anything other that autopsy studies on SCAD in between searches on all things baby.
Cam was about seven weeks old - I'd just celebrated my first Mother's Day.

This moment now - as I sit here and write - was unimaginable. Implausible. Impossible. Unrealistic.

These last five years and this moment - I can't begin to describe what an incredible gift this life is. Five year filled with long days, sleepless nights, tons of "firsts", and so many struggles. Sometimes boring, sometimes overwhelming - mostly ordinary. Some days being a heart attack survivor was all I could talk about - not because I wanted to, but because the weight of that reality felt inescapable. I had to find a reason for surviving - my life had to matter. How could I think otherwise?

And then, as time does, it all flew by.


And then..........

I could write all night but I won't. This moment now - is so real and so perfect and was so unimaginable because of its epic goodness. There are other stories to tell, but not here.

Thank you for being a part of my re-BIRTH.

.....Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories find
You make your past your past

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok.....