The Seventeen Month Itch

"I close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels that make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
"Everything will be wonderful someday"

Promises mean everything
When you're little and the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now." - Everclear

Motherhood must make you a little crazy.  Just when your child is at the height of exploration, beginning to fight for independence, learning to speak and becoming a little person (or little terror), you think about having another one.  Or maybe it's just me..... but for some unexplained reason, the possibility of Baby Girl Siebert (BGS) has been dancing around in my head for the last few weeks.  Perhaps it's because I've run into a number of families who've fostered to adopt.  It could be due to the reality that Cameron is less and less baby every day.  A third possibility is that one of my SCAD sisters just gave birth to a healthy baby girl (and both mom and baby continue to do well).  As we get closer and closer to settling into our new house (fingers crossed), I feel like we get closer and closer to the reality of BGS. I'm sure it's a combination of all of these things... whatever the case may be, it appears that I'm itching.

And with the itching has come alot of unexpected tears. In fact, I think I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in the last year. At one point, I sobbed at the kitchen table after a really great meal with Brian and rehashed the same old tale that we've known for some time- that there won't be anymore pregnancies in my future.  A few days later, I cried into the phone with my mom.  And to some extent, I'm sure they both must have been thinking (and did mention, rather gently) that this notion has been the "truth" for quite some time - so, why am I still sad about it?  I've tried to be optimistic about the truth, but sometimes, the truth is a difficult pill to swallow.  And I suppose the tears really aren't just about embracing the truth - they are also about fear & stepping into the unknown. 

I know what to expect from pregnancy.  I am endlessly thankful & lucky to have had that experience (as uncomfortable and swollen as I was!).  I don't know what to expect from fostering and/or adopting.  There is a parade of "what-if's" & "how-to's" trotting in circles, getting tangled up in my mind. What if I don't make enough time for Cameron when BGS arrives? What does childcare look like for two kids? What if I make a mistake (this is bound to happen!)? What if I favor/like/love one kid over the other?

I had my semi-annual cardiologist appointment yesterday - everything seems to be stable :) I'll stay on the same medicines and continue the same heart healthy activities.  I'll have my 2nd "heartiversary" appt. in March 2013 and at that time, will take another stress test to look for improved heart function. When the questions portion of the visit came around, I promptly burst into tears (again, oy, how embarrassing!) and asked rehash the baby-having conversation.  I think my doctor was just as surprised as Brian and my mom, given my previous resolution to move forward with adoption.  And apparently, what I needed to hear him say (again!) and what he said was that pesky truth.... MY PESKY TRUTH.... that the risk is incalculable.  I started to feel soooo silly for all the boo-hooing I'd done for the last few weeks.  I already have the answers to my questions.  Brian reminded me that I'm a chronic over-thinker and really, we are at our best when we tackle life together.

I hope you don't find this post redundant. I'm reminded that the journey doesn't happen on a "straight path" - there are ins and outs, ups and downs, and steps backward. Scared or not, sometimes we have to just forge ahead in hopes that what we seek is just around the bend.  And more often than we make time for, it's okay to stand still and appreciate where we find ourselves presently.  Last night, Cameron and I counted cars.  I sat and watched as he pushed the bubble mower up and down the driveway.  We ate our dinners together. I gave him a bath and rocked him to almost-sleep.  I listened to him babble happily as he drifted off for the night. And as I fell asleep last night, I couldn't help but feel TWO things - surprisingly content with standing still along with a tiny touch of excitement while considering Cameron as a big brother.

"I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too" - Fleetwood Mac